Angry Teen
As I look back on my rebellious years and see how angry I was as a teen, it is quite clear that teen rebellion is nothing more then kids saying to their parents and the world, “I’m angry and don’t know how to communicate this frustration so I am going to act out!” Now some parents feel that teen rebellion is a natural stage in their teen’s life so that when it is happening, everyone says “Oh, that’s normal”. And while yes most teenagers do go through growing pains and a rebellious stage, escalating to anger and being out-of-control is not necessary.
First, lets clearly define what an angry teen is from my perspective:
It is when your teen starts to talk back, fight, yell, and act out in ways that are destructive and disrespectful behaviors.
Now that being said, it is natural for a teen to change their hairstyle and clothes, listen to music you don’t like, and want to try out different things that you are not familiar with and personally not a fan of. THIS IS NATURAL as they are just testing out their unique “identity”. However, teen rebellion is when your troubled teen acts out in ways because they are angry at something. So when your teen displays acts of rebellion, they are saying “Mom and/or dad (or world), I am pissed off at you for judging me or telling me what to do without including me in the decision making process and am now going to start acting out in an angry way”. Or, “Something has happened in my life that makes me feel angry or sad and because you can’t seem to help me, I am going to act out in this way”. It’s a call for help. Are you listening?
So lets break this down into two categories:
1. Your teen is experimenting with their identity in ways you don prefer.
This is in NO WAY saying you should let your teen do whatever they want. But you have to understand that they are going through an experimental stage in their life and so:
• Don’t judge them. Be neutral. Just because you personally don’t like it or are not familiar with it does not make it wrong.
• Discuss what they want to do and explore the pros and cons from a place of neutrality. And if you are not educated on the subject matter, then it is your job as a parent to educate yourself on it so that you can have an HONEST conversation with your teen about it.
• If you don’t like what they are doing (and its not harming anyone), then let them express themselves. As the saying goes, it is just a phase. Note: You have to be honest with yourself here and ask if their choice is just something you personally don’t like or if it can actually do harm to them or someone else. But remember, falling down and getting hurt is VERY important for teens to go through. If you want to learn more about this check out my free parenting teens e-book
2. They are angry and being destructive
If this is the case, you need to be patient, loving, and calm and willing to learn and grow with them and get to the root cause of this anger. What has happened that makes your teen so angry that they want to act out in this way towards you? Until you discover this and are willing to face it honestly, they will just continue down this path.
So bringing the topic of angry teens full circle, this all starts with how you perceive the situation and how you engage your teen with communication. If your teen is doing something that you just don’t agree with personally, then love them unconditionally and it won’t turn to full fledged rebellion and anger. But if they are angry and acting out in a destructive manner, then you are going to need to resolve this conflict soon or it could destroy your relationship with them for quite some time. Remember, there are lots of “adults” sitting in therapy right now because these issues were not resolved when they happened.